This is my fourth time here. My mother told me about Medjugorje. I was really interested. I was a skeptic. I’ve always been faith-filled and grew up in the Church, but I’d never really heard of visionaries or Our Lady coming to talk to people. I was very curious about it all.

I was very young my first trip here. I was 17. I just kind of wanted to come to Europe. That sounded fun. 

I was struggling with mental health issues for years before this so I kind of turned my back on the Church. I had a bad experience with a healing of the sick when I was 16. I didn’t want to do that. I turned my back.

Here, I was kind of uncomfortable because it’s so gung ho on religion. I didn’t really participate that much. The Rosary made me uncomfortable, but I was still respectful and wanted to see what it was all about.

I witnessed Mirjana’s vision at the Blue Cross. A gentleman was behind me, and he was possessed. He started convulsing, foaming at the mouth, I didn’t understand what he was saying, falling on the ground. A priest came, and was praying over him right away. I was like, “What is going on?” That kind of solidified that something is going on here. 

I went home. I went back to my old ways, but I still kind of believed. 

I came back to Medjugorje a couple years after that with my mom and her friend and daughter. The same thing happened. I forgot which visionary was there, but we were praying in silence for like an hour, and I heard screams. Another person was possessed. I didn’t witness it, but I was hearing the screams. I was like, “Okay, this is for real.” I wanted solid facts or something that was going to happen. It all clicked then that this is actually happening, that Our Lady is actually being seen otherwise why would that happen? 

I went home again. I went to Mass a few times after that, but then I kind of lost my faith again. 

I came back to Medjugorje with my mom and my brother. I didn’t witness any crazy things. That was a great experience with my brother. We got some healing together because we’d always had a kind of tumultuous relationship.

Then I went home, and that’s when my eating disorder started, my anxiety and depression. I tried to end my life again. I went to rehab. I had so many crosses. I was like, “I’m tired of being your strongest soldier. Stop giving me these things.”

The past year, I’ve been in a really dark place. With the movie Cross Mountain coming out, Medjugorje was always in the back of my mind. I’ve felt this calling ever since last summer. I’ve wanted to come back, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to ask to come back.

Then you and Jessi came in February and I brought up, “I kind of want to go back again,” and you were like, “Come! Come!”

Then I was like, “I don’t need a crazy thing to tell me to come.” You and Jessi were the ones that made it all click into place. I was like, “Okay, I’m gonna do it.” 

I told myself, “You are going to do everything. You aren’t going to be distracted with listening to music or reading other books. You’re going to do the Rosary and you’re going to pray.” I would always just mouth the words, but I’ve been saying the words out loud and actually praying and trying and climbing Cross Mountain. 

I had climbed Cross Mountain once before this with boots on. I said, “If I come back to Medjugorje, I’m walking barefoot.” It’s so hard. I’m not a big nature girl. I don’t really like climbing, but I wanted to give an offering of myself and struggle a bit and embrace the uncomfortable. 

If you’re a skeptic or if you’re not as devout, it’s uncomfortable here, but it’s good to embrace that because you don’t know what’s on the other side.

This whole trip, I’ve been journaling. I’ve been praying. I went to confession. I hadn’t been to confession in seven years. I had a great confession the other day. 

Everything that I had petitioned for and everything that I’d been praying for, signs or whatever, I’ve been getting it. Every single homily I’ve listened to here is spot on for what I needed to hear. 

I’m not a very emotional person. It’s hard for me to cry. I’ve cried here so many times. I don’t know why. 

I feel something sliding into place. It’s clicking this trip. That’s what I wanted. 

My petition was for childlike faith. I want that again. 

My mom told me a story before I came here. My grandfather was a cattle farmer so he’d bring back cattle organs or hearts for us to check out. When I was five years old, I received a cow heart from my grandfather and I asked my mom if we could open it and see if Jesus was inside. I was five years old, and I just believed that, that Jesus was inside this heart. It was a cow heart! Why?

I was thinking about that on the flight here. I want that childlike faith like anything can happen; anything is possible. Jesus and Our Lady are in everything. I’ve been feeling that every step, every stone I touch, every person I meet. Jesus is there. Mary is there. 

I really want to keep on going down this path when I get home. 

I was smoking marijuana for two straight years, but I stopped a month before this trip because I wanted to be free of everything. I took a test before I came here to make sure it was negative. It was so hard. That’s kind of my addiction. I don’t really feel any need to do that. Of course, when I get home there are going to be trials and tribulations, but if I pray, I’m going to keep these bracelets on, I’ll remember what’s important. 

I’m going to go to Mass. I can’t promise daily Mass, but I’m going to try definitely Sunday and maybe once in the week. And adoration, I’ve never done that before really. I want to do that. I want to journal more. I want to find my passions more. 

Coming to this place, it’s with new eyes. I’ve been here three times before this, but it’s like this is the first time. This is the most important time. 

I’ve been in such a dark place, and this place is just pure light. I wanted to come here and find that light. It wasn’t even really courage. I was scared, but everyone says this place is home to them. I can’t say on the way here it was like coming home, but now that I’m here, it feels like home. 

I didn’t really need courage. I felt a tug, and I didn’t tug back. I just went. 

I am offering up everything because I had nothing at home. Here, I feel like I have everything, and I’m taking it in my carry on and going.

I knew I needed something amazing, something remote and peaceful because at home there are so many distractions and things to turn to. I always say it’s tunnel vision here. Everywhere you look, there are reminders of what’s important so it’s hard to listen to those distractions here. 

I’m here for a week so I’m getting used to all of this so it’s easier to find these things that are most important at home, the Church, groups, Bible study, my mom. She’s one of the most faithful people I know. I’ve always kind of felt that was a burden, but now I can go to her. She emulates a lot of the good qualities of this place. How lucky am I to have my mom on speed dial or a ten minute drive away to remember what’s important if I do get distracted?

Everyone in this group, hearing everyone’s stories, I feel like I’m learning from everyone. We have different lives, but we all have something in common. We’re looking for something here. We feel the love for something here. 

There’s a couple, they have some children that have turned their backs on their faith because they don’t really want anything to do with it. I’ve done that so I’ve had conversations with them from their children’s perspective of not wanting to continue with the church. I hope with my outlook on it, being here alone now and doing all the things, they have hope to continue praying or to accept it too. 

My mom, no matter what, if I didn’t want to go to church, if I didn’t want to do anything, or if I cursed, she never once judged me. She never once made me feel bad about it. I hope that they can take some of that advice and do that. I’m stubborn. I’m not going to be forced to do something if I don’t want to do it. I had to find my own path. I had to want to do it to do it. 

Everyone is so gifted here in one way or another. It’s so inspiring. 

Gage is amazing. He and I really bonded. I’m going to see him. I’m going to go to Orlando. We have a lot of similarities, and we’ve helped each other so much. 

There are no coincidences. Everyone is here for a reason. This specific group was meant to be together just like the next specific group here together are meant to be together and so on. 

There’s something so special about this place. I can’t describe it. It’s light, pure light and happiness and peace and safety. It’s just like a big hug.

Finding your childlike faith, you can find that here. Being a child, you believe everything. We always call Mary our Mom. It’s just running with open arms to Her no matter if you’re five or 50, you’re still a child. She addresses us as children. Childlike faith, that’s the most important.