I heard about Medjugorje nine years ago from a friend of mine who I went on this pilgrimage with. Her name is Denise. This is her sixth time.

She brought it up to me and said, “I really think I’m supposed to have you go with me.” She prayed about it and asked her husband. They were supposed to go together. He took a little time and said, “I think you’re right. You should go with her.” That’s how she and I came.

Medjugorje is kind of a world in itself. It is the most holy place I’ve ever been. I have not been to the Holy Land yet. I remember texting my kids saying, “I think every single person in this beautiful little rural community goes to church every single day together.” The church is packed. This community is full of love and happiness and peace and calm. I think that’s what we’re all looking for, and that’s what drives us to come, that yearning to have all those things in our chaotic world. This is a good release, a good core place to come find your roots — the truth. 

It’s funny because every day I kept thinking I would have this aha moment. Even though I had little aha moments there wasn’t a big aha moment. The night before I was leaving, I woke up at about 4:30 and there was a voice that spoke to me that said, “Come see me.”

I ignored it. I was tired. That was at 4:30 AM. I went back to bed. I had the alarm clock set for 6. 

I heard the voice again at about 5 o’clock. “Come see me.” So I got up and went to the Blue Cross and sat there for about 45 minutes and prayed. There had been people up on the hill that were coming down saying the Rosary. 

I left the hill and I didn’t go home and I ended up just walking through the town. I came upon St. James church so I ended up going to church there with the community and not understanding a word of Mass but then realizing there was also a 10 o’clock Mass in English so I got double holy that day. 

During Mass, I don’t know what it was, I just started weeping. I cried through most of the Mass. 

The confession the night before was really difficult for me. It’s something I know that I need to be working on and I was being called to. That prudent life is very difficult to live in today’s world, especially as a single person. There are some things that we discussed that needed to change.

I discussed with Fr. Wee on day one of the trip my yoga. I had a yoga bracelet on and I told him, who we lovingly joke with all the time, that I would not take that bracelet off. “I’m not taking this off. This cost me $95. I love it. I’m not taking it off. I think this whole thing about yoga is foolish.” 

For me, it’s just exercise and movement and breathing through the movement. It was the only thing that calmed me because I’m super high-strung. I’m high anxiety, fear, all this worry. It was the one thing I finally found that let me just breath and be calm and just be. To take that away from me was really difficult. I still don’t fully understand. 

Last night when I came back here, I was with Denise and Fr. Wee, and I loosened the bracelet and threw it over my shoulder like a bride throws her flowers over shoulder. It ended up way across the room and slid across the floor. They both looked at it, and Fr. Wee said, “Good for you. I’m so proud of you.” 

Denise didn’t know what was going on and said, “What was that?”

And I said, “It was my yoga bracelet.”

I went and grabbed it, and he said, “Now you need to throw it away.” 

I said, “But this cost me $95!”

I went to throw it away in the garbage here, and Father said, “No, you need to throw that outside.” 

So I walked outside to the big dumpster across the street, and I toss it in there, reluctantly. $95. And I love the bracelet. I haven’t really taken it off since I got it two years ago in Costa Rica with my daughter. It was meaningful to me. It had all these beautiful colors on it, all these beautiful stones that represented different things, different energies. They say that the energies aren’t good. 

Now they say I’m supposed to burn my yoga mat, and I’m like, “I think that’s environmentally irresponsible.” 

That was a big deal for me to give that up. It’s all I’ve done the last two years to calm my spirit. 

I realized, even though we didn’t talk about it in confession, that there were things that I wasn’t adhering to with regard to the Catholic doctrine and I needed to. I was fighting them because I didn’t want to. I was being pig-headed and self-centered and he wanted me to stop. Even though we didn’t talk about the yoga, I knew it was one that I needed to release and let go and I wasn’t. 

There were some tears in Mass about that and about this other thing we discussed that would ultimately change everything for me. I was crying because it’s really scary to let go into the unknown. I don’t have a partner in life to share this with so it’s even more scary for me. 

I remember saying to Mary, “Everything is going to change. My whole life, everything is going to change.” She just kept saying, “It’s changing for the better.”

That high-strung personality of mine was problematic for me. I wasn’t going to let go. I was going to fight the fight until the end. What I needed to do was just release and let go and let God. I’ve been fighting that for a long time. The release is freeing, but it’s also scary so it’s bittersweet. 

I was telling Denise what’s in my head. I have a tornado in my head most days. I said, “I’m confused. I don’t know what to do. My head is spinning. I have a huge headache.” 

She just said, “Aimee, only God brings clarity. Anything else is the devil. This confusion, this diversion, this lack of clarity, this tornado you talk about in your head is the devil. Only God brings clarity.”

Very simple words. Anytime there’s confusion and I’m going back and forth because with this head there’s a lot of, “should I do this or should I not do this? I feel called to do this, but what if this?” I’m constantly questioning myself. I heard it several times on the trip with other pilgrims. 

We have to keep remembering: go to the truth, go to clarity, go to prayer, and it will come. I know it will unfold. 

The Holy Spirit has come to me twice in my life. Both times it was about something I needed to deal with. I fought that too until recently. 

I know He’s there. I know He’s real. I know He loves and adores me. I know He made me uniquely one of all children. We’re all here for some purpose, and it’s our job to pray about it, to figure out what that purpose is. 

The one purpose we all have in common is to love one another as God loves us, to forgive one another as God forgives us. It’s fairly simple. We complicate it. 

There are things I’m taking home. I’ve never really said the Rosary. My takeaway here is I need to say the Rosary daily. That’s not something I’ve always wanted or loved to do. I was never making time for it. I would make time for my yoga every day, but I wasn’t making time for that. 

What I’m hearing is that I need to pray the Rosary every day, and that I’m called to fast Wednesdays and Fridays. That’s a big deal. The fasting is hard. I know I’m not going to starve. I know I’m not going to die. She will always take care of me. 

I don’t understand it all. I have so many questions, but all I need to know is that I need to do what is asked of me. 

Someone said to me, “I know what time it is, but I don’t need to know the details of how to make the clock and how it works. I just need to know that that’s the time.” It can be that simple.