This is my third time here. This is the most myself I’ve felt. My first trip, I was just 14. My second trip, I don’t remember very much. And this trip, I feel like God’s been preparing me for my next chapter. I feel like I’ve gotten some challenges. I feel like I’ve gotten some affirmations. I feel like I’ve gotten to experience so much of that love that I haven’t for so long. I feel like it’s what I needed for this next step. 

I first heard about Medjugorje when I was 14. My mom and my dad had some life stuff happen. Really, before I realized anything, we had a booked trip to Bosnia and Herzegovina. Then we were here.

As a 14 year old, it was awesome. The only thing that I remember was looking around on Apparition Hill and being like, “Oh, so that’s why they always stoned people. Rocks were just everywhere.” Because being from Nebraska, that wasn’t a thing. 

I think it was my little sister who said something along the lines of, “Wow, it’s so easy to be Catholic here.” It’s so much a part of the culture. Everybody’s praying the Rosary all the time. Everybody’s going to Mass all the time, and it’s so much easier to do when everyone’s doing it. Then obviously the expectation is a little higher, but whatever, that’s a different problem.

Then I remember walking away and my whole thing being like, “So that’s what peace feels like. That’s what that is.” That’s what I associate Medjugorje with. 

The message that I remember walking away with was “peace, peace, peace” and “peace within yourself, peace within your family, peace within your country and the world.” That’s something that’s really shaped me and really shaped my career. My mental health and my well-being and my spiritual life, that’s always one of my main priorities.

Now I’m on a path for marriage and family therapy. I think that’s something that’s been very influenced by this. That’s very much so how I see health and the world. That’s how my gifts and talents have played into it all.

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What do you think of what the visionaries of Fatima said, that the final battle would be over marriage and the family? 

I think that you can definitely see it. I don’t know if it’s in the way that everybody interprets it, but there’s a lot of turmoil about the understanding of what love is and how to receive and give love.

There’s so much misunderstanding, in American culture especially, on like what your spouse is supposed to be for you and what you’re supposed to be for your kid and all of this stuff. 

I think Our Lady is right. Crazy, I know. But I think it does start with yourself and experiencing God’s love and experiencing the peace that being a child of God brings you and then being able to share that is such a selfless act.

That’s something that so few people understand because so few people get to experience God and so many people forget that they need that because it’s so easy to distract yourself from. 

I have no visions of the future or anything. I don’t know what the final battle is, but I definitely think that there’s a lot, a lot, a lot of misunderstanding of what love is and how to love well.

But I don’t think we’re all completely lost either. Hence, why I’m in a health profession and I believe in hope.

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Thursday night, we weren’t sure if we were going to go to Mass again. We were walking around, like, “Oh, we’ll just see if there’s a good spot,” because everything’s always packed. 

We walked in the doors by the choir, by the altar, and we got a beautiful spot. We could see everything. And then it was the archbishop giving Mass!

Then all of the Italians were running in and out, in and out. It was getting a little annoying, but eventually the flow of traffic was pushing us closer and closer to the altar. So by the time adoration came about, we were maybe three rows away from the front of the altar. 

Being that close with so many people adoring and having just had so many confessions and feeling in such a state of grace. Feeling so pure and humbled by so many things and knowing that I’m just simply not worthy. And yet God still chooses me and is still like, “No, no, no, You’re worth all the pain of the crucifix. You’re worth all the pain of death.” 

I think God put a little bit of His joy in my heart, and I got to experience that a little bit. My cheeks started burning and my ears started burning. My whole body got so light. I didn’t cry, but it was an incredible experience. I haven’t been that happy in so long. It was great.

How would you describe Medjugorje to someone?

I’m such a freakin therapist at this point, I’d say it depends. 

If it was somebody who’s a logistical person, very interested in stories, I feel like I’d go and tell the story. I’d be like, “Well, there’s six kids, and they’ve been experiencing this for 44 years,” and tell them about the apparitions.

Or not even the apparitions because I’m not so sure that’s the real miracle. I’ve been thinking about that this trip. I feel like the miracle is the way that the community here has surrounded them, supported them, and protected them after everything that they’ve been through.

I wonder how many small town communities would rally around six random kids like that. That’s insane. And 44 years later, they still protect their privacy so well and protect their mission and Our Lady’s message so well. I think that’s a miracle in and of itself.

However, if it were one of my feelers, one of my fellow therapists, I’d describe the energy here. I’d describe that peace. I’d describe that openness and that safety that I feel here and talk about how this place is kind of my refuge, my place to recharge when I’m ready for it.

My mom did ask me to come here four years ago, and I was not in a place where I could do it. I’m so glad that I’ve gotten to the point where I am ready for it.

I finally feel like I have my peace within myself. And I feel like the next challenge is that peace within my family as an emerging adult. That’s the challenge that I’ve been given and the courage I’ve been asking for. I came here asking for that peace within my family. 

God being God, I think He has a sense of humor. He’s like, “Ha ha. Now you have to go do the work. You have to go do the hard things.” So I’m like, “Great, awesome. That’s not what I was asking for. But thanks.” 

This is coming at the end of a dark night of the soul. I experienced trauma five years ago, and it broke me. I was so lost. I experienced something that everyone hopes never happens to their daughter. It was something that my mom had been praying would never happen to me, everyone prays never happens to their kid and never happens to themselves. 

I felt like God had not protected me. I almost lost my faith. I almost converted to Baha’i, if you’ve heard of that. It’s a world religion. It’s not an Abrahamic religion. It’s really weird. It’s really interesting. I didn’t. 

I did years of spiritual direction, years of therapy. I forgave my perpetrator two years ago. When I forgave him, my PTSD went into remission. That was about a year and a half ago. 

Ever since then, little things have gotten so much easier in my life. Prayer has gotten easier in my life. Discernment has gotten easier in my life. But I didn’t realize until this trip that I hadn’t experienced God’s love since a month after that happened to me.

I’ve put so much of it behind me. I feel like this is just that extra step to push that last thing in the door and have it one more step in the door. It’ll always be a part of my story. It’ll always be a chapter in my book. But I feel like it impacts my life less and less every day. 

It’s changed my perspective forever and always. I’ll never see the world the same. And I don’t want to see the world the same. I was a little naive.

This has softened my heart that much more. It’s made me that much more willing to hope and willing to trust. That’s something that I knew I’ve needed for so long. I’m so excited to go live my life with this now. 

One of the best phrases I ever got about not forgiving someone or holding grudges or holding onto that pain was it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

I had been working on this process for years when I heard that, and I think I slapped myself on the forehead. I was like, “Gosh darn it, they’re right.” 

I don’t want anyone to think that forgiving someone is a one step thing. You don’t just say, “Oh, I forgive you,” and then it’s gone. At least for me, it never worked like it. It literally took years, and it’s still something I have to choose to do every day. 

But I was sick of drinking the poison. I was sick of putting so much time and energy into being upset. It was a natural thing. What happened to me was horrible. Nobody should ever have to go through that. But it was something that was preventing me from living my life, and I was sick of it.

For people who are working on forgiveness, it’s something that you have to be gentle with yourself with before you can be gentle with somebody who’s hurt you. Give yourself the time. Reach out for the help that you need, spiritually, mental health wise, family, support systems, friends, loved ones, all of it. Just reach because it’s not easy.

For me, there was a time where I did everything but wish that he’d die. There was a time where I was okay with him not crying some days. There was a time where I was like, “Okay, he can have a job.” And then there was a time where I was like, “Alright, he can smile sometimes.” And then there was a time where I was like, “Okay, fine. He can live a happy life, whatever.” 

But it was always a back and forth. And there are still days where I’m like, “Ugh. He smiles. That sucks.” But more often than not, I can wish him well more than I wish him hell. It’s a journey.