I first heard of Medjugorje from my mom, probably around 2012. She used to always send us the messages. I went with her to Medjugorje first in 2015. 

I honestly went because my mom wanted me to go with her. And I love my mom more than anything.

That brought me closer to my mom than I ever was before. I feel like the closest to her out of her six children, and I think that was a big part of it. I think our Blessed Mother wanted to bring us closer. It’s amazing. I feel like, without our Blessed Mother, that wouldn’t have happened. 

I decided to come back by myself this time because I’m at a point in my life where I’m not sure what God is calling me to do. What better place to go to than where Our Mother is calling us?

So I’m going to be honest with you. I had been sober from from alcohol for about nine or ten months before this trip. I relapsed, and I was in a rehab for two weeks right before this trip.

I was talking to my mom one night and while I was at the rehab, she said, “Well, there’s this trip to Medjugorje coming up, and I think that would be great for you to go to. You know, because of this, you have some time off from work so there’s some time in your schedule which you didn’t have before. Your grandmother, who just died the previous December, allotted you money to go to this trip if you wanted to go.” 

I prayed about it. At first, I didn’t want to go. I was like, “I’m not sure about this.”

Before this happened, the only thing that kept me sober was my faith. And when I was at the rehab for the first two weeks, I was the weird dude in the corner that was just reading the Bible and just reading holy books. I thought that this would be a good extension of that so I came here for the for the final two weeks instead of staying there. 

I’m really searching for what I should do with my life. I’ve been a chemist for the last ten or so years. I’ve had a lot of good jobs, but they’ve always been empty. I’ve always felt like I was meant to do more than that. What is the point of answering math equations? It’s really people and their lives and doing good in the world that matters. Not answering math questions.

I know that God wants me to do more than that. He’s given me so many gifts in my life that I do not deserve, that I’ve been blessed with, that I’ve just been wasting. I know He wants me to do more than that.

I came here to really think about that and think about what He wants me to do. I have ideas about what He wants me to do, but I’m really scared to do them. That’s what it comes down to. I’m afraid to do them. 

The priesthood would definitely be one of them. When I really pray about it, I know that’s what He’s asking me to do. 

It’s scary. You’re wondering if you would even be able to do that, like, Who are you? You’re such a bad person. Who are you to be a priest, to be an example for anybody?

It’s not like I got some kind of answer. It’s not like I came here and some booming voice or some internal emotion just hit me, and it was like, “Oh, yeah, you’ve got to do this. Now you’re equipped. Now you’re ready to go.”

It was like, I’m here in a very peaceful area where I’m able to think logically. God, is real. And if God is real, God is the only thing that matters. And if He wants you to do this, then that’s the only thing that matters. That’s the only thing you should do. If you’re looking for a purpose in your life, then there you go. How much more obvious can we make it? 

It’s crazy how much we confuse ourselves, how much I confuse myself with it. It’s a big decision, and you’re wondering, “Are you going to be happy doing it? Am I going to hate it? Am I going to be miserable? Am I going to be bored?”

That’s the devil talking in my ear. I know that. But it’s still effective. It’s enough to get me to wonder. 

One of the big turning points for my trip. Not only the time by myself walking in the fields to logically think through these things. If God exists and God wants me to do this and that’s the only logical thing to do, it’s not a mystical thing, it’s a very reasonable thing.

Then Mariana came over this morning and she gave her testimony and then she was answering questions. As part of her answer to one of the questions, she said, “If you say yes to God, then you’ll live forever. If you say no to God, then you’ll die forever.” And that really is the only thing that matters.

That really struck me because we all have a choice. We can look for different emotional charges for us to do something in one way or the other, but it’s ultimately our choice. We say yes to God, or we say no to God. It was beautiful the way Mariana said it.

That’s the one thing I talked to Father Michael about because I was saying like, “How do you know unless you do it? Maybe I should just go into it and, and see how things go. How are you going to discern unless you’re in the process?”

He was very supportive of it so I’m definitely going to talk to him more about it.

Addiction, the root of it a lot of times, is uncertainty and hopelessness. If you don’t ultimately know what you’re living for, you’re just confused and anxiety ridden. One way to relieve that anxiety is drugs or alcohol.

God answers that anxiety question, right? What am I ultimately doing this for? That’s really the the question that underlies all of addiction. It’s like, “Why am I here? Why am I doing this? If I don’t have an ultimate purpose, then I’m not sure what I’m doing, and I need to fill that hole with something.” 

There absolutely is hope. God is the answer. No matter how ‘out there’ that might seem, that is the ultimate answer. So reach out to somebody around you. It doesn’t have to be a priest or anyone in the church. There are amazing people that are just like you in groups like AA or NA that have been right where you are and that have gone through it. They know exactly how you’re feeling, and they’re there for you. That’s the way to get out of it.

The highlight of this trip was probably Mirjana’s talk. She gave a description of Our Lady and how Her voice and the colors of Her dress and everything were similar to what we see in this world, but that’s it. Just similar. She couldn’t describe them with attributes of our world. I’d like to hear that about heaven. People think that heaven will be like the good days we experience, but I feel like it’s going to be qualitatively different in a lot of ways. I think that was cool. 

Medjugorje is very, not just peaceful, but, worry free, holy, and you’re just content the whole time you’re here. It’s somewhere where everybody you meet could be your best friend. It’s a place where you’re able to renew your faith.